Re-Watching Dostana As A Queer Adult

Published:Nov 22, 202321:43
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Re-Watching Dostana As A Queer Adult

Dostana mainly tried very onerous to persuade me that Bobby Deol is scorching, however failed miserably.

I'm going to begin this publish with a confession — I used to be ten years previous when "Dostana" first got here out and the one reminiscence I've is of the movie making headlines on each information channel. That was when my terribly good mind went, "Hahahahahha, look at how these news channels are spelling the word 'guy' wrong". This was one thing I proclaimed to everybody and their mom.

Dharma Productions

Lower to 2021 — it’s satisfaction month and we have now come to this point when it comes to queer illustration in India, so it solely is sensible for me to return to my roots and re-watch this gem.  

So right here we go: A glistening, well-oiled, and super-tanned John Abraham seems!

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"Dostana" opens with a shot of Kunal (performed by John Abraham) rising out of the water, whereas the long-lasting "Shut Up And Bounce" performs within the background, and Shilpa Shetty dances on the seashores of Miami. 

I imply that is precisely what occurs on the seashores of Miami, on the each day, proper? Simply individuals brooding, dancing, and flexing their unparalleled magnificence. Proper???!!!???

We're launched to Sam (Abhishek Bachchan), who's a nurse as a result of he likes giving sponge baths — actually bizarre purpose to go to med faculty, if you happen to ask me. Kunal, then again, is a photographer.

I'm ten minutes into the film and I'm but to see this man put on correct garments.

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Or he perhaps simply doesn’t know the way to put on garments??? However, hey! I’m not right here to ask these questions.

This film actually got down to give the gays what they need!

Dharma Productions

Queer illustration? Complicated characters? An intriguing storyline? — Naaaah!

Two and a half hours of meticulously curated garments that present John Abraham within the thirstiest approach doable? — YES! A thousand instances sure!

Sam and Kunal are in search of a brand new house and each of them one way or the other find yourself in the identical place. And solely within the DCU (Dharma Cinematic Universe) can a nurse and a photographer afford a home that has a improbable view of the Miami skyline and comes with an indoor pool and concierge service.

Dharma Productions

However they don’t get the home as a result of the proprietor — whose outfit selections affirm my religion within the sentiment that wealthy individuals DO NOT need to have cash — says that she's going to solely permit women to lease the house.  

Kunal and Sam are justifiably bummed out and go and eat hotdogs. Why? As a result of if there’s not a minimum of one innuendo with hotdogs on this film, our lives will simply not be full. Conveniently, they run right into a homosexual individual, who helps Sam provide you with the concept that they need to pose as a homosexual couple and get the house.

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

Kunal lastly agrees to this plan.

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

The issues I do for l̶o̶v̶e̶ a home.

However wait! There's bother in paradise as a result of right here comes Neha (Priyanka Chopra).

Dharma Productions

Neha squeals with delight when she finds out that Kunal and Sam are homosexual. To me, she simply looks like the woman who’ll throw a "YASSSSS QWEEN! WERK! OMG DIVAAA" each fucking second — at each homosexual individual she occurs to satisfy. 

Gays, who I’m speaking about. Women, who you might be. SMH.

Sam narrates his made up story about how he and Kunal met, which mainly goes like this: Sam confesses his love, Kunal ghosts him at first after which sends him a love letter. And now, they're dwelling h̶a̶p̶p̶i̶l̶y̶ snappily ever after. 

Btw, being ghosted is the one factor this film has gotten completely proper about homosexual tradition.

To drive house the truth that they really belonged with one another, the costume division put them on two completely different ends of the homosexual vogue™ spectrum.

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Even by 2008’s customary — COME ON!  

A fast reminder at this level — We nonetheless do not understand how Neha purchased this house or what she does for a dwelling, however what we do know is that her mother and father died in a automotive crash. Maybe that’s the form of trauma that leads you to this? I dunno!

Dharma Productions

Neha advises Sam and Kunal to use for Kunal’s residency allow as a pair in order that he can get it inside a 12 months. Properly, I'm simply going to imagine her as a result of I don’t have that form of dedication for this film to truly search for info.

Enter M, which stands for Murli, which additionally stands for a poor man's model of Miranda Priestly. I swear, ever since "The Devil Wears Prada" launched, each homosexual man with a shirt from Zara thinks he is THAT bitch.

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No. Sorry however you are completely not that bitch. 

Homosexual males of the world, I'm taking this chance to say that please, please be happy to launch yourselves from the shackles of being a self-appointed skilled in vogue and tradition critique. You do not have to bear this burden.

Anyway, a bunch of individuals find yourself at Neha and co.

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

And why are they right here, you ask?

M — As a result of Neha desires Sam and Kunal to seduce him into giving his place to Neha. If this is not a number of thousand layers of tousled, I do not actually know what's. However hey, it flies within the DCU!

Sam’s mother — Remember the entire immigration plot line? YEP. In order that letter has managed to succeed in Sam’s mom and he or she reveals up with raging homophobia.

The immigration officer— Properly, as a result of there needs to be a minimum of yet one more stereotype within the scene.

*The oh-so-popular "Maa Da Ladla" comes on* — Don’t hate me, however the track lowkey slaps in an ironic, but in addition not an ironic approach. You get me?

Now that we're achieved with all of the track and dance, it is time for Abhimanyu (Bobby Deol) to make a grand entrance.

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

And his entrance will get THIS response.

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

I can tolerate these over-the-top queer tropes however I draw the road at something that tries to persuade me that Bobby Deol is scorching. Simply no. Strike one.  

Additionally, the very first thing Abhimanyu does is give the job of redesigning the journal to Priyanka. Does this work IRL? I imply, bro, you simply met her.

Neha is now having a little bit of a disaster eager about how she’ll pull this off. Sam tries to placate her by saying that everybody hates their jobs. However Kunal decides to be THAT individual in a gaggle venture who simply doesn't contribute.

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

The lesson right here is if you wish to achieve life, simply be a straight man with abs.  

Since that is the DCU, the boys are all falling in love with one individual specifically. Who would've guessed, proper? This, clearly, is depicted by loads intense staring and smiling as a result of #sanskaar.

Dharma Productions/Aqib Khan

To that finish, when Kunal shouldn't be on the town, Sam seizes the chance to get romantic with Neha. And what does he do? Properly, he books her A WHOLE GODDAMN amusement park.

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

Once more, how a lot do nurses earn in America?

Quickly after, a demon...err...little one instantly makes an look.

Dharma Productions

We’re speculated to really feel the feels for him as a result of his mother left him and Neha by chance steps on his ice cream.

However no, I'm not falling for that. Thanks, subsequent, demon-child.

PS: He's additionally Abhimanyu's son.

It’s Neha’s birthday and time for Kunal to shine so he arranges a wine, dine, and s̶i̶x̶t̶y̶ ̶n̶i̶n̶e̶ rain dance expertise for her. Oh and sure, they're watching "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai".

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

I informed you, we're deep into the DCU.

The shady bunch are actually at an public sale the place Sam and Kunal by chance destroy an artefact. I might additionally completely destroy this shit on goal (Reason 2 why wealthy individuals shouldn't be allowed to have cash).

Vital be aware: That is the primary time we see Kunal in correct garments.

We’re one way or the other transported right into a 2000s saas-bahu vamp sub-plot whereby Sam's Komolika and Kunal's Ramola are attempting onerous to interrupt Neha and Abhimanyu up (sure, they're collectively), by making him do the other of what Neha desires.

Dharma Productions

 Dude, all Neha desires is for “someone to make her feel like a girl”. Duh.

Their grasp plan doesn't work and Neha finally ends up pondering that they’re in love with Abhimanyu. Oh boy — strike two. Like Neha, your attraction to this man is already making this film extraordinarily unrealistic. Please don’t drag Kunal’s abs into your private Disneyland.

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

Demon-child is scared that Neha will substitute him and ship him to boarding faculty. And everyone knows that that is courtesy of our very personal DCU Komolika and Ramola. However no, I'm nonetheless not falling on your pet face, li'l demon.

Oh and here is strike three.

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

This film is actually testing my endurance at this level.  

Abhimanyu was completely going to suggest to Neha, however would not due to demon spawn (Do you agree with me now?) and, to make issues extra difficult, Kunal and Sam confess their love for her on the similar time.

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

Neha breaks down — bizarre factor to be unhappy about, if you happen to ask me. 

"Oh noooo! My life sucks now because three guys are in love with me instead of one" — Real first world drawback.

Anyway, main drama ensues and the group splits up. Neha is feeling the FOMO with out her homo(s).

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

Oh however wait — After yet one more track break, Sam and Kunal have an epiphany and resolve to return clear about their evil plans. They apologise to Neha and Abhimanyu by publicly acknowledging that they’re really not homosexual.

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

However that is clearly not sufficient for Abhimanyu, so the very best factor he might provide you with, as a type of punishment, was asking them to kiss in entrance of everyone! Hilarious — NOT.

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

Is there any logic to this? No. Do I've an evidence for it? Nope. I informed you, this film was testing my endurance.

Possibly he simply REALLY desires you to suppose that he’s not homosexual. *Wink Wink*

Dharma Productions/Md Aqib Khan

Yeah! He's *completely not homosexual*.

To sum up, what did we be taught from this film? Youngsters are mainly demons and the "Bobby Deol is SO hot" propaganda will simply not work on me. Oh and selling homosexual stereotypes is completely okay.

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